Help! How do I start a new intimate relationship with someone?

Q: I came out of my last relationship 15 months ago and for the last 4 years of it my partner was unable to get an erection so he gave up completely on sex of any description. Now I am thinking of getting together with a new person. I am not sure how to go about it as we are not in a serious relationship, but I would still like to venture into that space of having a gentle touch again and hopefully sex. I am only 65 and so is he, but I am feeling so scared like a teenager for some reason. He is a nice person but not my boyfriend how do I go about this?

How wonderful for you to have found someone you are thinking of getting close to and perhaps starting a new sexual relationship! I share your excitement, yet also your uncertainty and fear about how to approach sensitive topics like sex and touch. It is hard to be vulnerable and ask for what we want without worrying we will be rejected.

Starting a new sexual relationship is a great opportunity to let our new partner know what we like, how we like to be touched and what gives us pleasure. If you are feeling comfortable with them and you have developed a feeling of closeness, I suggest being open and letting them know you are keen to explore a more intimate relationship together.

It doesn’t need to be about penetration sex, it can be about all the wonderful sensual and erotic moments you enjoy that make you feel alive, including touch, cuddles, kissing, and stroking. If they respond with desire and excitement to be closer to you, don’t be afraid to guide them as you start to be more intimate with each other. Let them know when they are doing something that is really turning you on, yet also if you feel uncomfortable or you aren’t enjoying something. Guiding each other into the areas that give you the most pleasure can be a big turn-on for you both! 

Often when we start a new relationship, we think about having penetrative sex only which results in our sexual relationship becoming very outcome-focused. The climax is the aim and without it, we think nothing has happened. What we miss however is the wonderfully sensual and erotic pleasure we have when we focus on all the pleasure points in our body. For example, how do we like to touch, do we like feather touch or hard holding touch? Do we like to be kissed passionately or softly and gently? Where on our body do we like to be licked or bitten?

If a sexual relationship with this person is for you, take the time to explore your desires and the pleasures for you both and I assure you of many fabulously sensual and sexual experiences ahead. 

Much love and desire, Polly Xo

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