It is often opined by those who study such matters that the most dangerous place in the world is your very own home.
This, of course, is a blatant lie.
As we all know, the most dangerous place in the world is the viewing platform at the top of an active volcano – and while it might be tempting to marvel at the cauldron of boiling lava in the crater below and take a few selfies, it’s not generally recommended as a wise recreational activity. (Please note this down for future reference.)
Still, the average home does rank a close second when it comes to environments that can present a peril to your physical well-being.
We all consider ourselves safe and snug in our houses, yet this false sense of security is revealed once your beloved home begins to attack you.
Trip hazards are a common source of danger, with steps, stairs and ramps you thought you knew well suddenly deciding to alter their height and send you stumbling forward, usually to the floor where a grazed knee awaits.
Cables, plugs, power boards and charger cables – the newest scourge of modern life – can seem to acquire sentience as they silently form loops and waves and all manner of tangles designed specifically to snag your foot and send you flying across the room.
Chairs and coffee tables, too, can possess the ability to magically readjust their height to become a favourite collision point for unprotected shins.
Those blessed with children will know how these life-enhancing miracles of unconditional love come with the uncanny ability to leave small, sharp-edged toys precisely where your bare feet are likely to tread, usually while you’re busy scrolling on the phone.
Toy cars and Lego blocks are the chief culprits here, though never underestimate the power of a Star Wars figurine or the dismembered head of a Barbie doll to have you screaming at the top of your vocal range a series of colourful and graphic phrases that should never be uttered in mixed company.
Just as the flush of youth brings with it a set of questionable behaviours, advancing into one’s senior years – also known as “getting old” – is accompanied by a raft of stupidities solely attributable to the wholesale refusal to think.
This explains why decorative side-tables and common kitchen chairs are often used in place of step ladders, even though an orangutan with developmental issues could see how climbing upon said chair or side table to replace a blown light bulb is essentially an invitation for gravity to do its thing.
When it comes to matters electrical, common sense demands that you call in someone who knows what they’re doing and has the certificate to prove it.
However, there are some dedicated do-it-yourselfers – all males incidentally, though you’re not supposed to say that – who think they can fix anything electrical themselves thanks to the surfeit of “how to” videos on the internet.
Such endeavours all end the same way, with the unqualified handyman losing his footing on his side table as several hundred volts zap through his body.
Still, such incidents can be the source of much merriment should you have the presence of mind to capture the event on your phone for the whole world to enjoy.
Though it’s not widely known, every garage in the land must, by law, reserve one corner for the exclusive storage of expensive exercise equipment where it has been gathering dust for years after a brief, doomed attempt to finally “get back into shape”.
Upon the rediscovery of these long-abandoned free weights, barbells and bench presses, the owner – again, invariably a male – will renew their vow to “really get into it this time” and take to their new exercise regime with the vigour they had when they bought the gear decades earlier.
Unfortunately, while they might have the same passion, biology dictates they are unlikely to have the same stamina.
This deluded state of mind invariably leads to what many physical therapists and psychologists refer to as “being a complete moron”, meaning that the born-again fitness fanatic has over estimated his ability to lift a 48kg barbell over his head by about 47kg.
These are but some of the hazards the home can present to the modern man…sorry…person.
Others include: spraying weed killer into the wind; attempting to light a barbecue with used sump oil; and putting a can of baked beans on the stove and forgetting about it while searching the web for more “how to” videos.
The home can, indeed, be a very dangerous place to be.
But as with standing on the edge of an active volcano, the degree of danger to which you expose yourself is inversely related to how much brain power you are willing to devote to thinking about domestic survival – the upside being that you shall spare everybody from the colourful phrases you will scream out the next time you step on Barbie’s decapitated head.
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